I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
