I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
This is classic penis vs brain.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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