I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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