The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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