either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
