seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
