That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
