I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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