It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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