I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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