Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
