my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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