Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
