i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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