On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
