what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
