Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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