Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Drunk is not a location!
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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