U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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