bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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