I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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