is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
