Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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