Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
