The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
