I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
