The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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