Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
