just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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