Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
