Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
