Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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