My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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