I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Bring me that man meat
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
