Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
