Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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