During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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