Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
