i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
