come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Randomize
