i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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