My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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