After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
