i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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