I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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