Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
