Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
