This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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