ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
