So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Everyone says I win the strip club
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
