i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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