Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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