Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
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