It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize
