you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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