am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
