Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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