dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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