My friends, they love my intelligence
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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