i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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