I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
there is glitter all over my balls
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