yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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