I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
