life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
