First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
